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באחת מארוחות הצהריים השבוע,
מישהי דיברה על השקיעות הנהדרות שיש בימים האחרונים,
ואיך שקיעה יכולה לגרום לה לעצור ולהזיל דמעה.
היה נראה לי שהיא אומרת את זה קצת במבוכה,
אולי מקווה שזה לא רגשני מדי לשיחת צהריים עם חברים לעבודה.
המשפט שלה הזכיר לי משפט של קארל רוג'רס (אבי הפסיכולוגיה ההומניסטית) שקראתי פעם,
והלכתי לחפש אותו.
תירגמתי אותו לעברית (והוספתי בתחתית הפוסט גם את הטקסט המקורי באנגלית):
"אחת התחושות המספקות ביותר שאני מכיר …
מופיעה כשאני מעריך אדם, כפי שאני מעריך שקיעה.
אנשים הם נפלאים ממש כמו שקיעות אם אני מאפשר להם להיות.
למעשה, אולי הסיבה שאנחנו יכולים באמת להעריך שקיעה היא שאיננו יכולים לשלוט בה.
כשאני מביט בשקיעה, כפי שהבטתי בערב הקודם,
אני לא מוצא את עצמי אומר,
'רכך קצת את הכתום בפינה הימנית,
שים קצת יותר סגול לאורך הבסיס,
והשתמש בקצת יותר ורוד בצבע הענן.'
אני לא עושה את זה.
אני לא מנסה לשלוט בשקיעה.
אני מתבונן בה ביראה ובהשתאות בעודה מתפתחת."
~ קארל רוג'רס (תרגום חופשי: רוני ויינברגר)
**
הציטוט של רוג'רס הזכיר לי ציטוט אחר שאני מאוד אוהב,
של מורה הזן הוייטנאמי טיך נהאת האן, והלכתי לחפש גם אותו.
הנה הוא לפניכם בתרגום חופשי לעברית (המקור באנגלית בתחתית הפוסט):
ללא האשמה
"כשאתה נוטע עץ, אם הוא אינו צומח היטב, אתה לא מאשים את העץ.
אתה מסתכל על הסיבות שבגללן הוא לא צמח היטב.
ייתכן שהוא זקוק לדשן, או ליותר מים, או לפחות שמש.
אנחנו אף פעם לא מאשימים את העץ.
אולם אנחנו מהירים בלהאשים את הילדים שלנו.
אם אנו יודעים איך לטפל בהם, הם יצמחו היטב, כמו עץ.
להאשמה אין שום השפעה טובה.
לעולם אל תאשימו, לעולם אל תנסו לשכנע באמצעות ויכוחים;
הם אף פעם לא מובילים לשום השפעה חיובית.
זה הניסיון שלי.
ללא ויכוח, ללא שכנוע, ללא האשמה, רק הבנה.
אם אתה מבין, ואתה מראה שאתה מבין, אתה יכול לאהוב, והמצב ישתנה."
~ טיך נהאת האן (תרגום חופשי: רוני ויינברגר)
**
רוג'רס מחבר בין התבוננות בשקיעה להתבוננות באדם אחר.
טיך נהאת האן משווה בין טיפוח עצים לגידול וצמיחה של ילדים.
שניהם ממליצים לנו להפחית שיפוטיות, שליטה ורצון לתקן כשאנחנו עם אדם אחר,
והם משלימים זה את זה כשהם מציעים לנו להיות יותר בנוכחות של סקרנות, הבנה, יראת כבוד והתפעלות.
לצד ההשראה הגדולה שאני מקבל מהאנלוגיות של שניהם,
אני מאמץ לעצמי שתי נקודות נוספות שנגזרות מהדוגמאות שלהם:
א. בחירה ואחריות
אנחנו יכולים לבחור לאיזה סוג של נוכחות נכוון באינטראקציה עם האדם שמולנו,
יהא מטופל, בן משפחה, קולגה לעבודה או כל אדם אחר.
יש לנו את האפשרות לבחור,
הבחירה שלנו תשפיע על האינטראקציה,
והאחריות היא עלינו.
ב. החזקה של מורכבות וחוסר וודאות
לא כל אינטראקציה עוצרת נשימה ומעוררת התפעלות כמו שקיעה קסומה.
כשאנחנו מסכימים לשחרר שליטה (או ליתר דיוק, מבינים שאין לנו שליטה),
זה מוסיף לחוסר הוודאות ולמורכבות שאנו חווים.
מצבים ואנשים לא תמיד יתפתחו או יתנהגו כפי שאנחנו רוצים או מצפים.
שבת של שלום,
חיים מלאים,
רוני ויינברגר